no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
