He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
