So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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