the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
