you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
