this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize