drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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