Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
