Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
