I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
