I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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