shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize