you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
