You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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