Just cropdusted the office
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
