I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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