My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
FUCK WHALES
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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