meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize