They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
