I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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