i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
