he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
