someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
