Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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