Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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