Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
