remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
