it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
