Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize