They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
