Apparently you make a good broom.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
