I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
