Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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