she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
