Can i not drive my cunt home
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
