please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
