in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And then he peed in my hair
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