You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
