He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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