he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
