I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
