im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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