I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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