It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
