yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
