There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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