I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
