I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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