Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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