That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What drink are we having for lunch?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm like, not good at living.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
