My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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