there's paper in my vomit.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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