Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
