hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
