All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
