True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
