my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
