Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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