my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
