I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
