I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
