When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
