Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
