sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
