Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
