im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
