they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
