he puts the penis in happiness.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
