I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize