I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
